The Good Guest

R.S.V.P.

So much is written about how to be a good host and certainly all potential hosts can benefit from the mountain of advice out there. However, if the guests don’t join in the hospitality dance then the host’s magnanimous gesturing ends up being a one-sided conversation.

It all starts with the receipt of the invitation and this is where so many potential guests falter. Whether to a wedding, bar mitzvah or birthday party, all invitations call for a response by a date plainly indicated on the enclosed response card. Do not hesitate! Check your calendar, decide if you are attending or not, write a brief note on the provided card, and drop it in the mail as soon as you can. Of course, I like mine to be first in.

Runner in athletic gear crossing finish line with raised arms, wearing bib number 179, black and white photo.
Runner crossing finish line with arms raised in victory
Runner crossing finish line

Not only will you have completed your first act as a Good Guest but your early response to your hosts will endear you to them forever. If you miss the response date and your host has to contact you to get your response, you have committed an offensive and unforgivably rude act. If it were me, the offending party would be stricken from my good books for all time. Is this person who I thought was my friend holding out for a better offer? None exists. What is even worse than radio silence is the dreadful waffler who says “maybe.” That word is one of the most annoying in any language. There is an old and familiar imperative, “ or get off the Swaovski-crystal-encrusted pot” and its universal meaning is quite appropriate here (pardon my French).

A toilet encrusted with sparkling crystals against a dark background.
A toilet covered in sparkling crystals.
A toilet encrusted with sparkling crystals against a dark background.
A toilet adorned with sparkling rhinestones covering the cistern, seat, and base, set against a dark gradient background.

All of my clients have faced this enduring reality as they approach their event dates. If they have in the past been the offending late responder they’ll never do it again, realizing what anguish and exasperation this inaction foists upon the host. The caterer needs a headcount, the seating plan is undecided, the welcome bags must be finalized, et cetera.

Black and white drawing of a person holding their head, screaming on a bridge; wavy lines and two figures in the background.
Black and white version of "The Scream" painting by Edvard Munch, featuring a figure with an agonized expression standing on a bridge.
Black and white woodcut version of "The Scream" by Edvard Munch, featuring a figure holding its face in distress on a bridge, with swirling lines in the sky and two figures in the background.

And then there is the ultimate rudeness: responding to the host that you are indeed attending and then not showing up at all, without even a phone call. This happens often and at the highest levels of society. If you were (past tense stressed!) my friend you would receive a bill for all the expenses associated with your confirmed attendance. I kid you not. Emergencies certainly happen but you must contact the hosts ASAP to let them know because your absence will affect a carefully orchestrated seating plan.

So you’ve responded on time—excellent! But you’re not off the hook just yet and you have a few more notes to hit before your Good Guest crown is conferred. Stay tuned for the next installment in the series.